2011 and the changes it will bring

I went to a party a couple weekends ago and was talking to a good family friend and she happened to mention that she had read my blog and how I haven’t written in a very long time, which is true I haven’t written in a very, very long time. I guess I just haven’t had much to say really. Or maybe I just wanted to say the same things I have said many a time before. I find myself a little lost at the moment. I am neither here nor there, in a limbo of sorts. It is frustrating. How does one remove themselves from a limbo? Make a big change I would imagine but all of the big changes are really big…. Or maybe just really hard. Either way I feel stuck.

I feel as though it may have something to do with the time of year, the end of 2010 and the beginning of 2011 and when I look over the past year I am in the same place that I was when 2010 rang in. I always though your 20’s were for setting out on new and exciting journeys and no two years being the same… Why does it feel as though I have skipped over that part and gotten into comfortable, boring, habits? So here is what I have decided (this is the “I am woman, hear me roar” part) I am changing everything in 2011. I am going to make the big changes I have needed to make for a long, long time. Even if they are scary, even if they hurt, in the end I will feel better because I will then know that I haven’t missed out on the wonderful things being 24 can bring.

Change Number 1; LOSE THE WEIGHT!!!!! I was doing so well for awhile and then the holidays rolled around and it all went to shit. I realized something a few weeks ago, my mom has a digital photo frame and it runs through the pictures that she has loaded of the family and all of the things we have done together. One night I watched it circle through all of the pictures and there were tons of my brother and sister, smiling, happy. There was not one picture of me. Not any ones fault, certainly not because my family doesn’t love me, but because I avoid cameras like they are going to steal my soul. I hate the way I look in pictures because a picture tells the truth. It shows how large I am in comparison to everyone. I cant avoid the reality if it is right there on film. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to be able to look at pictures and remember all the great things I have done with my family/friends and have proof that I was there.

Change Number 2: STAND UP FOR MYSELF!!! I am a people pleaser. It is what I do. I am also someone who hates it when people are upset with her and I avoid confrontation like the plague. I am done be a doormat for some, not all but some. If I don’t know you I will tell you what I think because I really don’t care what you think of me, but if you are someone I love and care about I will do whatever is in my power to make you happy. I am not doing it anymore. I am not living my life so that others feel comfortable while I am miserable. I am done. If you don’t like it then fine, but it is what it is. Now I am not going to turn into some raving bitch but I am not going to put up with other people’s crap either.
I am sure there will be other changes I will want to make but these two are the top priority for me. Wish me luck in 2011. I may very well need it.

Let's call it what it is

I have been away from writing for while. Nothing earth shattering happened just not much to write about. I am back to the grind with school and work, etc etc. I have fallen back into my old habits of eating as I get busier with things and I need to get on track. I learned something that was very scary but not shocking yesterday, research shows that Obesity related fatalities are surpassing smoking related fatalities in the leading cause of preventable deaths in the US. Crazy right? But does it shock you? It doesn’t surprise me… Americans have gotten to a point where the majority of those that have weight to lose are not just overweight but OBESE!! I hate that word. We have come up with so many other words to describe ourselves in our current overly flabby states, lets see, husky, Stocky, a few extra lbs (more like 50 extra but who cares), pleasantly plump, BBW (big beautiful woman) or my new personal favorite PHAT (Pretty Hot and Thick) I just learned that one today, it doesn’t matter how you say it we are just plain FAT. The sooner those of us who need to lose the weight realizes it the better. Who are we fooling other than ourselves?

I was watching the Biggest Loser last night and hearing the stories of some of the people that were hoping to get on the ranch all had a common theme, they lost someone in a tragic way (losing someone is always tragic but these stories were awful). The other common theme was that they gave up and slipped into the dark place and brought along some junk food with them. I am/was the same way when my dad died. Food and a sedentary lifestyle became my very best friend. It had been that way for awhile but it was only magnified by the loss. At some point you get the wake up call and you begin to try to do something about it. Believe me when I tell you that it isn’t easy…. I have fallen of the diet/exercise wagon, rolled down the hill and floated for miles down the creek more times than I would like to count. The problem is that putting the weight on is easy but taking it off is freaking HARD!!! It is probably one of the hardest things to do. It doesn’t stop there either, than you have to keep it off. Can I express how daunting that is?? The only thing harder is to know that by not doing it I am shortening my life.. day by day, week by week, month by month… I am also hiding myself. It isn’t about the clothes I would like to wear (ok maybe it is a little) its about the fact that how long can a persons body deal with carrying an extra 100+ lbs around and still be able to function. I am not going to put that to the test. I don’t want to find out the answer. SO I am making a promise to myself to change, the same promise I made to myself a year ago. It will take a long time and I might not enjoy the road I have to travel but it will be worth it in the end…. I am taking the first step today by not visiting the candy bowls in the office. Baby steps, all about the baby steps…. Anyone want to take the walk with me? I can use all the help I can get.

Time for a change?

Feeling restless, I need a change, a big one. I think that I feel this way at the beginning of every school year. Something needs to be different something needs to happen…… I don’t know what it is. I am now 24 years old and still plugging away at the same things, work, school, etc, etc. I feel the need to reinvent myself, take bigger risks but still get my act together. How do I accomplish this? This isn’t a weight thing anymore, not completely; this is a need for change. I need to feel like a grown up. Maybe this is coming from the changes others have made, friends getting married, having kids. I am not going for anything as drastic as that but I feel like I have to do something. I don’t want to be doing the same things this time next year….. Changes must be made. I just wish someone would clue me on what the heck it is. Why do I feel so restless? What can I do to change it? Seems to be the million dollar question at the moment.

Hello my name is Sarah and I am a food addict

Addiction…..it is an ugly word and people have an immediate reaction to it. The truth is that I am addicted to food.It sounds weird and unlikely but the truth is that food is my coping mechanism. See the problem with being a food addict or an emotional eater is that it is like using a band aid to cover a 6 inch wound, it doesn’t work, it is ineffective and really the only thing you are doing is making it harder for that wound to heal. It also holds true when you rip that band aid off and realize that the wound is so much worse then you originally thought and now you have to figure out a different way to heal it. All you want to do is put that band aid back on and forget about it. That’s what happens to me when I try to deal with my emotional issues in a different way other than eating. When I take away the comfort foods that I have used for a band aid for so long it surprises me what all comes back up.



I have pushed my fears, self doubt, pain etc down and covered over the surface of it with a layer of fat. I heard a great way of describing what the extra weight represents, it is my bubble wrap, and it is what I needed to make it through some pretty traumatic things in my life. I shouldn’t hate it but now I don’t need it. The thing is that the lack of comfort food is taking a toll on my emotional state; I have to find a different outlet to create a more affective and healing band aid, maybe one with Neosporin. : ) For now I am trying to work through the emotional things that come up.



The thing that surprised me most was the overwhelming feeling of guilt and sadness about losing my dad. Sunday was father’s day but in the last 5 years it has been kind of sad but not overwhelmingly depressing. I felt guilty that I could no longer picture what my life would be like if I had him around and that his approval or disappointment no longer factored into my decision making. I know it is a natural thing, he is gone, he isn’t coming back, why would he still factor in? I just feel like he should, that somehow he should still be a huge part of my life. In a way he is but in other ways he isn’t, it just surprises me how much I miss him. I guess I go through phases, I will always miss him, and it just depends on the day and time and emotional state as to how much. It is like I have a hole in my heart and it is partially healed but that band aid that covers the rest peels back every so often leaving the wound exposed. That’s when it hurts, that’s when I want to eat myself into a coma. Why am I still so affected? Sometimes I wonder if I am alone in this? Am I incapable of getting over it? Is this how everyone grieves? Am I holding onto things I shouldn’t? Is this normal? These are the questions that run through my head. The biggest ones, the ones that torment me are….. Would he be proud of me if he was here now? Have I lived up to the goals and expectations he set for me? Will I ever be half the amazing person he was? Will I forget the sound of his voice, his laugh, his smile? I hope not, I hope I carry him forever and live up to what he would have wanted me to be.

Day 5

I know I said I would write every day but it is now Day 5 of South Beach and so far so good. I haven’t had any carbs or sugar and I am not having horrible cravings but I am tired and kind of jittery. I feel foggy but by tomorrow that fog should lift a little. I am feeling good though and am excited to see the weight come off. I know it will be slow but it will be so worth it.

I have come to the realization though that I will never be a skinny mini. I don’t have the body type for it. I will always be on the curvier side of things. Even when I was swimming competitively I was a size 14. I was fit but I wasn’t small by any means. I guess a size 14 for me is healthy, it is doable. Maybe I will get smaller than that but not a whole lot smaller. It is strange how you can be in the product of someone so little and have such a different body type. Genetics are luck of the draw I guess. I have no problem being curvy, just not this curvy although I do feel blessed because the weight has balanced itself out, I don’t have the tomato and tooth pick syndrome as some do. I am looking for the bright side in this. The one good thing about my situation is that I can change it. Being obese (I hate that word) is not a life sentence, it is totally changeable but only I can change it. When I started looking at weight loss options I looked into surgery but when you come down to it it’s still diet and exercise that work. There is no quick fix. The more I attempt to lose the weight the more I realize the truth. I guess the truth hurts sometimes.

Day 1 , so far so good.

Day one and so far so good, this is always the easiest day, the day you are excited about what you have started. Day two will be ok, day three I will want to hurt someone and day 4 will be even worse. By day five the fog will clear and it will be easier. I have replaced the sweet candy cravings with drinking crystal light, I know I should just be drinking regular water but it makes me feel like I am still satisfying the cravings that I get. Plus the more water I drink the better off I will be, even if it means that right now I am making a trip to the restroom about once an hour. That is slightly annoying but I am sure I will get over it. I actually feel really good about this.

I am excited that I will have more time to get into the swing of things and be able to stick with the program before the holidays roll around. That was my down fall this last time. I think I will do one thing differently and that will be the way I add the carbs back in. I am going to do minimal carbs for awhile. I don’t see anything wrong with sticking to lean meats and veggies and limiting my carb intake as well as the sugar. You would be surprised how many good sugar free or reduced sugar options there are out there if you really need that fix. So far so good and yes I know it is only the first day. I am going to stay optimistic though. :)

June 1 = the start of South Beach Diet

I would first like to apologize to anyone who comes in contact with me in the next five days. I am starting the South Beach Diet tomorrow and for the next 5 days or so I will be crazy. Think PMS times 10 crazy. The last time I did this my family was gone and I was left alone with the dogs, it was probably better that way.

I am actually excited to get this started again. I want to feel better, I want to be happy with myself. I am going to get to my goal weight. I just have to know that it is going to take awhile. I guess I will be ok with that. I am excited to start going to the gym and knowing that the more I go the better I will feel about myself. My goal is to make and entry for the next 14 days. I will try to be honest with how I am feeling. I am ready for this. :) Here we go.... wish me luck.

Fears, oh so many fears.

Failure is not an option, that’s what I keep telling myself. I have to lose the weight, if I don’t I am taking time away from myself and my family. Why isn’t that enough to get me back on track? I have been struggling with getting back to the South Beach Diet for months now, I keep saying I am going to do it and then I set a date to start. That date arrives and flies by without me starting back on the SB diet and ends with me eating a cookie or candy or something crappy and fattening.

There are fears that are associated with losing the weight. I have been heavy for so long that I have no idea what it would feel like to be thin… What will I look like? Will I be more attractive or less? Will my skin be loose or will it snap back? Will I look like one giant stretch mark or will I have a body I will be proud of? Will losing the weight make me happy? Will it make me motivated or confident? Will I love myself more? WILL IT ALL COME BACK???? That’s the biggest one, the last one, what happens if I do all this work and the weight comes back? Will that send me over the edge? So many fears that other people don’t understand. They look at me like it is a given that losing the weight will solve all of my problems but maybe it wont, maybe it will just create new ones. See here is the ironic thing; I am a stress induced overeater so if I am nervous about what losing the weight will do to me I stress and then I eat. It isn’t like I crave a carrot when I am stressed; I want something sweet or starchy, something bad for me. My body craves what it knows is bad for it. The sad part is that I give in… it seems like such a long road and one that I am not patient to travel. I want it gone, right now!! Not in a year, not in two, RIGHT NOW! But then the fears come back.

It is a strange and emotionally draining cycle. I feel bad about myself, I feel like I am letting my family down. People were so proud of me when I started this, this was the time I was finally going to do it and really the only reason I haven’t finished what I have started is because I am lazy, when it gets hard I give up. I make lots of excuses as to why I can’t or haven’t done it, the thought of actually failing because of no other reason than me being lazy or that I am scared is terrifying. It must be for some other reason right? It couldn’t be all my fault. Yeah, right. It is MY fault and MINE alone. No one put a gun to my head and told me to eat until I was well over 200 lbs. I did that. No one said if I didn’t finish all the food in front of me I was going to make something horrible happen, I made these decisions. I fed myself, bought the crap food, and ate it when no one was around so I wouldn’t feel like I was being judged. I DID THIS! No one else. No one else is going to lose the weight for me either. I have to. No more excuses. That’s it I am done with them. I hate living in this body, dressing this body. I want to feel good and have energy and be the vibrant person people believe me to be rather than put on a show and feel like crap inside. I want to live a long life and get married, have kids, watch them grow up. I want to be happy. That’s it, just happy. NO MORE EXCUSES SARAH LYNN GUNKEL!! DO IT.

It is time to start living; the work will be worth it. I am setting the date of June 1st to start back on SB. The beginning of a new month, a new beginning for me, and the sacrifices I have to make will be worth it. It is in print now. That means you all can see it, accountability helps. J

Hear no evil

This post is inspired by a tattoo my cousin recently got to represent "Hear no evil"( I love you Sammie. :) You are such a BEAUTIFUL and STRONG woman) Sammie has a point. We should love ourselves despite what people might say. Every woman has some sort of body conscious issues. Most woman who are overweight have many body issues, I say most because there are some women out there that love the fact that they are full figured, more power to them but I am not one of them. In high school people can be cruel, kids say mean things because it makes them feel better but these are the same things that can scar people. I have been scarred. I know this and it makes me nervous when I see those people that I went to high school with, I revert back to the chubby girl who was tormented by the mean "cool" guys. Really what they are are douche bags who where so insecure about themselves and their social status that it made them feel better to harass me, call me fat, ugly, blah blah blah. I am now almost 24 and a strong woman but I will also admit that I am addicted to food and use it as a coping mechanism. My goal is to not to hear the evil anymore.

I have to remind myself that a lot of those guys I was hurt by are ones I wouldn't want to have ANYTHING to do with now. What does it matter what people say about you? It should only matter how you feel but if you don't feel good about yourself those comments that people make are going to hurt more. How do you steal yourself against that? I have never figured out how. People ask me why I dont go out to the bars and go dancing and what not. It is because I never ever feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel like an elephant in a room with slender swans. It makes me feel like SHIT!!! SO I avoid it. Only a few friends have seen me out and about and when I do I am the one who is the friend with the girl that gets hit on in the bar. I am the friend that they tolerate so they can mac on the hotter girl. If you have ever heard of the comedian Stephen Lynch and have heard hos song "Big Fat Friend" That girl is me!!! I am or maybe just feel like the big fat friend. Someone to be pitied and not cherished. How do I stop it? I feel like the only way to do that is to lose the weight but from all of my years of therapy I know that that doesn't solve the problem. I have to look more inward and get into the habit of loving myself for who I am. But who am I? How do I love myself? How do I feel comfortable? I need to look into that.

I'm back and making my way slowly

It has been a very long time since my last post, over a month ago in fact. I am not really sure why it has taken me so long to write. Life has been busy but not that busy. Last time I wrote I had a well laid plan to go back onto phase 1 of SB. That, for whatever reason, didn’t happen. I don’t really have any excuses (I am tired of making them) I just couldn’t get myself to do it. So here we go again, another attempt, this time for real. I think what needs to happen is that I need to get excited about doing it all over again. I have continued to lose weight, not much but it is still losing. I think part of the problem is the fact that food is such a social thing, a good excuse to catch up with people. I need to figure out a different social avenue and then maybe I can eliminate the social aspect of food. I am not delusional enough to think that I could do that completely but partially would be fine by me (my wallet would like it as well). I think overspending and overeating go hand in hand.

If you are overweight I think the tendency to over spend comes naturally. I am not saying that this is true of everyone but I am sure it is more true than not. This brings me to my next confession/realization, I, Sarah Lynn Gunkel, am TERRIBLE with money.I love to shop and sometimes instead of eating I indulge on retail therapy. I love shoes (but of course not the cheap ones) and I can easy spend 100 bucks without blinking an eye. Too bad those pesky bills get in the way, things I actually have to pay. I think that once I can get eating under control that managing my money with be the next thing I will learn to do. I am trying now and doing fairly well. I haven't bought any clothes or shoes in some time. I am taking baby steps. I am going to make it into a game and once I have hit the goals I am wanting to hit I will give myself a small reward. It is all about the baby steps.

The steps I am taking

I am off track on my diet. I don’t know what happened. I keep thinking I am doing fairly well and then all of a sudden a craving hits me like a two by four. I can’t stay away from sugar. I am also not doing well with the exercising aspect of things. I am just very unmotivated. I don’t know why really but I need to get back on track. So here’s the plan;

Step 1
Get eating under control. I am going back to my South Beach diet roots. I will resume Phase 1 on the 17th of March. Why the 17th you ask? Well I will tell you, I will be home alone at that point for two weeks which seems like the best time to do it so I don’t take out the wonderful mood swings I will be having on anyone. The last time I did Phase 1 the first 5 days were horrible, awful headaches, weird dreams, not sleeping, and mood swings like you wouldn’t believe. It was all worth it though because after the fog lifted I felt AMAZING!

Step 2
Get my butt off the couch and on the treadmill. Why is it that walking on the treadmill feels like a death sentence? It is no different than walking anywhere else and there is a TV for me to watch and music to listen to in the comfort of my own home where there is no one to judge. I also have some great friends that try to get me to go to the gym with them but some how it just doesn’t work. It seems if the activity is called exercise I am opposed to it. Don’t know why that is it just is.

Step 3
Look for the positive. I now know a healthy way to eat that I didn’t know before. I used to think I knew what was good for me food wise. I realized shortly after starting South Beach how much crap I was actually consuming. The detox part of the diet was hard but once I got there I felt like I could climb a mountain. ( Of course I didn’t climb a mountain because that would be the dreaded exercise part) I can do this. I did it before and now I have a long stretch of time to get myself together before the holidays are upon us again (That’s when I got off track the first time) I also haven’t gained any of the weight back, I have just been maintaining. That’s a positive of it’s own. 

Say what you mean and mean what you say

Say what you mean and mean what you say. That’s really all I ask. I am so tired of the passive aggressive behavior that people have seemed to adopt these days. Why does no one feel the need to really come out and say what they want? I don’t read minds, it isn’t a gift that I want nor one I possess. If you want something done a certain way then TELL ME! If you are upset about something then TELL ME!! I hate trying to figure out what people want or what they mean when they say something and then I get crap for “reading too much into thing” and I want to scream, “YOU MADE ME THIS WAY!!” It is your fault I read into things because if I didn’t I would have no idea what the hell is going on.

Why is it that you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t? I try not to over think things but then when I let them go it turns out that was the comment I should have read into because now the person who made it is pissed because I didn’t read between the lines. I can’t take it anymore. It drives me up a fing wall. The other thing I can’t stand are people who are upset with a person and rather than tell them they are upset they either ignore them or say “It’s fine” or “whatever”. Obviously it isn’t fine and obviously I am going to have no idea what to do with the comment of “Whatever”. Once again, not a mind reader! This isn’t just in the personal aspect of my life, this is work, school, and personal. What happened to straight forward people? Now straight forward people are “mean”. I would rather be mean than a twit that won’t say what they actually mean. Just saying.

Life is good :)

After weeks of strange slightly sad feelings I feel as though I am returning, the happier me. My singing Is progressing well and I am making some big breakthroughs thanks to my wonderful voice teacher Kate.  Thanks Kate for being so patient with me. I am trying to eat better although I think my sweet tooth is getting the better of me. There are evil candy dishes in the office and some hold stuff that I just cant turn down.
It is the simple things that keep me on track, the thought of new jeans or being able to shop for pants in any store help me put down that carton of Ben & Jerry’s when I get tempted at the grocery store. . You think I am a shopping fiend now just wait till I can fit into a size 8 or 10. I will be a maniac.  I need to move the scale back downstairs because that keeps me honest although I do have to get better about not weighing myself every day. I think I may also start a photo album as I drop lbs. although I don’t think it will be one I will post to this blog. That may be a little too embarrassing for me. I am realizing that I have a skewed view of how I look. It don’t know if that is good or bad but I do not see what other people see, probably because I have spent so long looking at my flaws and not at the good things. Time to start looking for the positive.

Lets get some shoes

I love shoes, lots and lots of shoes. I do have a problem however and I pose this question to those that read this, is there a way for me to wear heels and have them be comfortable even though I am heavy? I have all of these wonderful shoes that I bought that are 3 inch heals or higher and I love them and want to wear them but after about 30 minutes of having them on the balls of my feet are screaming at me. I am hoping that as I lose weight there will be less pressure on my feet and I will be able to wear these beautiful shoes in comfort and style. I have tried the cushion foot pads and those seem to help but I think maybe I am missing something. Can a big girl be comfortable in heels or do I just have to grin and bear the pain? Any suggestions? Just the random thought for the day. :)

Anger is an ugly thing

I was reminded (thanks Mom) that anger is not a pretty emotion. My entry from Monday was kind of an angry one. I don't know where it came from, I think it was wrapped up in the emotions of the day. What my mom said is true, anger is ugly and normally unproductive but it is also unavoidable. The tricky thing is coming to terms with why you are angry. In the case of the article I wrote about last time I was angry because I felt betrayed in a sense and I felt as though I needed to voice my issues with that outside of just immediate family members but it doesn't change anything it can just be cathartic. Some anger is harder to identify,I struggle a lot with the fact that I want to help people and when I can't I get upset. Sometimes it manifests as anger and sometimes it is just sadness. Either way not being able to help those I love bothers me. I am learning more and more though that life is totally out of our control for the most part.

I attended a memorial service today for a guy that is my age, he was working earlier this week out in the field and there was an accident that cost him his life. His service today was packed and the one resounding theme that every person that got up to talk spoke about was the fact that he lived life to the fullest. I started wondering if I lived for today or if I lived for the future? Did I make every minute count? Would there be 300 people at my memorial service one day? Was I in a holding pattern or was I working towards what I wanted and really, really reaching for it. When I was younger my dad had a poster of a squirrel reaching for a red berry just out of it's grasp and it said "What is your berry?" Am I trying to grab my "berry"? So here is my plan. I am taking the words of wisdom from the people that spoke at the memorial service and the post that my dad had for so long and combining the two. It is time for me to live every day as though I may not have another and it is also time for me to really go after the things I want. No more anger and tearing myself down. What is done is done and the only thing I can do is move forward. Always look forward and never turn back, this means letting go of residual anger. So with that I am letting the past anger fall away and starting fresh tomorrow. After all I am only 23 and have so much more life to live.:) Rest in peace Sunny and thank you for helping me in a round about way. I didnt know you well but you were loved by many and your presence is felt even after you have gone, look up my dad in heaven, you both had a similar outlook on life I think. Tomorrow is a new day and I will start fresh, thanks for the wake up call.

Today is the day

So today marks the 5th anniversary of my dad's death. I am never sure how to spend this day and what the appropriate tribute to him would be. I don't want to call it a celebration because there is nothing celebratory of him being gone, nothing at all. I miss him every day and today it feels like that hole in my heart has been reopened. I have been reading over old emails that we sent back and forth when he was in the hospital in Wisconsin. He sounded better, hopeful and like he was ready to enjoy life. He only made it another two years. After he died his cousin wrote an article about suicide in the Denver Post featuring my dad and his story. To this day that article makes my blood boil. She had no right to write such a personal thing about my father but she did and it is on the Internet for the whole world to see. Shortly after the article came out she started receiving emails from people who had read it and thought she was so "courageous" for writing such a personal article. Let me set the record straight....

My Father and his cousin, we will call her "Dia", had only spoken once in the five years leading up to his death. They had not been in communication in a long time nor had they seen each other in a even longer amount of time. No one knew she was coming for the memorial service. She called one day and introduced herself (I had never met her) and said she would be to the house shortly. I thought it was fine, nice of her to come and support the family, little did I know she may have had other intentions. I am not trying to say that she came up just to get info for an article but it seemed weird that she was there. Anyways, she stayed for about 4 days and grieved with us as we tried to make out way through such a painful experience. About three weeks after she went home we found out through my sister's friend that there had been a article written that had circulated through the oil industry up in Alaska and elsewhere that was written by none other than Dia. She never told us she was writing an article and even after she did she never informed us. We found out about it from my sister's friend (who was 13 at the time). I was furious, my family was furious. I have always said that I was no ashamed of how my dad chose to end his suffering but I didn't think it needed to be published in the paper. I ended up writing her an email, in response she apologized but asked if I wanted to see some of the emails that she had been sent in response. I said that I wanted to see them so she sent them. Everyone who wrote was very sweet, loved the article, thought it spoke well of the struggle my dad had faced. They commended her for telling such a personal story when really it wasn't her story to tell. She didn't have any idea what we went through, what he went through. To this day I get angry when I think about her, what she did, the information she shared. I hope she learned her lesson after she was called out on what she did. I doubt it though. Not my normal posts but I feel I needed to set the record straight.

3 days from now

Well the time of the year that I dread the most is coming up on the 15th. That would be the 5 year anniversary of my dad's death. I think it may always bother me, of course I will be sad and of course I will remember him but maybe one day I wont have that compulsion to just stuff my face until I can make some of the sadness and hurt go away. I am going to try to figure a plan B. The one good thing is that I will be working so I wont be thinking so much about what that day is. It was only five years ago but it seems like a lifetime.

I was a freshman in college (yes I have been going to school for 5 years) when he died and looking back on that girl that I was I really don't recognize her. I don't know if I am stronger than she was or weaker at this point. I have a tendency to stress about the little things and sometimes have to remind myself that I have survived so much worse. I made it through something that could have destroyed me. It did for a little while I guess, I walked through the first 6 months of him being gone in a total daze, I questioned everything I said to him or did and I am ashamed to admit that towards the end of his life I was angry, I mean really, really angry. I don't think so much at him but at the situation, at the fact that I just wanted to be 18 and not have to worry if my dad was ever going to pull out of this tailspin that he was in. I was angry that this was happening to him, the best man I have ever known. I wish he were here now, I wonder what type of person I would be if I still had the love and guidance of my dad. Would I be farther in my life or would I be in the same spot? That girl that lost her dad so long ago is gone and I now stand in her place. Am I better or worse than I was?? I am heavier now than I was then but I think I have a greater appreciation of life and the simple moments in it. It made me appreciate family more and helped me realize how much my dad had given me. He made a bigger impact on people in his short 47 years than some people made in their entire lifetime. I am happy to remember him. I hope that I make him proud. I have always been a Daddy's girl after all.

It has been a little while

I'm back!!! :) Did you miss me? I bet not. Week two has been going ok, a few minor slip ups but I am only human so I am forgiving myself of those and forging on. I didn't make my goal of going to the gym M-Th. Big shocker, I know. I have found a way to hate the gym less and thanks to all of you who gave me ideas on how to make my working out more enjoyable. I have to say that Courtney's idea was fantastic. :) I will have to try that. So on a totally different and unrelated to working out note,I had the chance to see my favorite Opera in the whole wide world "Carmen" (yes I am a nerd, I know) this week. The reason I mention this is because I think every woman could use a little bit of the Carmen character in her life.

For those of you that haven't seen the opera "Carmen" it is about a beautiful gypsy woman named...... Carmen!! (I am sure you weren't expecting that) Anyways, Carmen is a woman that could have any man she wanted and of course she always fell for men who were off limits. In the end she gets what she wants when she meets Don Jose and starts a relationship with him until she is sick of him and discards him for another man which then leads to her demise. There are parts to Carmen that aren't very positive, like the fact that her love affairs don't last long or the fact that she is pretty temperamental. When I say that every woman should have a little bit of the Carmen character in her I mean the confidence. The confidence to do whatever you want, the confidence to know that you are beautiful and sexy. JUST CONFIDENCE! That is the kind of confidence that I lack, a lot of times with people that are emotional eaters we have decided that we no longer matter. I know in my case I put others first and left myself to be the last priority, or maybe it was easier to deal with others problems than face my own insecurities. Either way my mission for this week is to find the inner confidence. The ability to look in the mirror and see someone that is beautiful and smart. Right now I see the negative, the flabby stomach and the too big thighs. Time to look for the positive. I can find it, I am sure it is in there somewhere. :)

Two in one day ( I must have lots to say)

I have been reading over some of my posts and I am realizing that in some of them I sound like a big whiner. I really am not. I normally try not to complain, I normally don't talk much about my issues, at least not to my friends. My poor mother hears me bitch and moan more often than not, sorry Mom I love you. :) I have my health, I have my family and I have my friends, I am blessed. I know this, and yet, lately I have been dwelling on the negative. I am comparing myself more than I usually would to other people. I get mad when I feel like I am missing out. I keep focusing on the fact that my dad is no longer around, the fact that I am 23 and living at home, the fact that my weight isn't coming off fast enough and the fact that I am not done with school yet. Yes I know I am working full time and going to school part time and the beginning of my college experience wasn't normal or easy. I still feel like I should be done. Maybe it is the time of year, the end of three 4 really hard months when I miss my dad the most. It will be five years on February 15th since he died. I still miss him like he died yesterday. I think that may be it, me missing him. I am such a downer these days. I apologize to all of you who have been reading this, sorry for being so depressing.

In truth I love so many aspects of my life. I LOVE my family, immediate and extended. I am blessed to have supportive relatives and a HUGE family (Mom is one of 8 and Dad was one of 5). I have lots of Aunts and Uncles and lots and lots of cousins. I love them all. I am so thankful for my mom, without her I wouldn't know what to do. She is so supportive even when she doesn't agree with my decisions. Thanks Mom for always being there for me. My siblings are fantastic, Andy and Anna, I know I can always talk to them if I need to. While my dad is gone he taught me so much, I hope to be like him when I "grow up". I hope to have his kind heart and his ability to see all the good in people. I hope to have his selflessness, he would have given you the shirt off his back if you needed it. I am his number one fan forever and always. I love my Noni (grandma) and Papa (grandpa) more than life itself. Noni, I would not have survived with out you. You are such a strong woman, as your mama said, "We are porcelain" we have come through the fire stronger than ever. My Aunt Christine is the one who made me feel that even if I am a bigger girl I am still beautiful and worth taking care of myself, she turned me into the shopping addict that I am. :) I will never forget her waking me up at 7:30 in the morning and telling me that we were going to get me a whole new wardrobe. I have so many other people that have touched my life and made it better. My best friend since the 6th grade Jenny, she has been there for me through thick and thin. I can always count on her to be here for me. She has my back no matter what and I hope she knows I have hers. I am blessed, I know I am. Maybe I just had to write it all down to convince myself.

I'm shrinking :)

Well I am happy to report that week one is over and I have lost 4 lbs. :) Yay yay. A good week overall but a few minor slip ups, it is hard to stay away from carbs and sugar all together so I modified it and if I was going to have carbs I only had them with one meal. I also tried to drink a ton of water. The exercise thing didn't work out so well, I made it to the gym twice this week but I did get on my treadmill at home a couple of times so I guess that counts. The hard part about losing weight is when it comes off slowly, you just want to make it into that next smaller size but it just doesn't work that way. I have lots of goals to meet but I am doing it 5 lbs at a time. Maybe that will make it easier.

Goals for this next week are to make it to the gym Mon-Thurs. I need to do this because then the weight will come off faster, hopefully that will make me feel better. Maybe when I am stressed I can go work out instead of going shopping I am sure my pocket book will like that better. Any suggestions in how to enjoy working out? I don't know what it is but I just don't like it. I don't know if I just get bored or if I feel awkward or if I am just being silly and not wanting to do something that is good for me. Who knows. :)

Why am I punishing myself?

I have just read a very scary article on the Today Show website (http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/35125799/ns/today-today_health/page/2/) It is all about how women who are overweight may not get the same treatment from doctors, they may not work as hard to find out what is wrong with you. People tell you not to be so hard on yourself or to forgive yourself for certain things. How the hell can you be OK with yourself if the people that are supposed to help keep you safe and healthy are the same people that may not care enough to figure out what is wrong with you medically? What is that about??

I am always hard on myself, even though some may not see it. I compare myself to everyone else. The grass is always greener. I don't know why it is just the way I am. I resent myself, my situation, my choices. I should be done with college but I'm not, I should be financially independent but I'm not, I should have already lost all this weight but I haven't. I have to stop beating myself up and comparing myself to everyone else. I need to sit down and make a plan, I need to make a plan for not only how to lose the weight but how to be OK with myself. What do I need to do to be OK with me? It isn't going to be easy but nothing worth doing is ever easy. I have people that tell me all the time that I am sweet, strong, pretty and a good person. I don't believe it though. I never have, I need to be OK with myself at some point and the harder I work the closer I will be to being OK.

Temptation around every turn

You would think that an office would be free of temptation, that it would just be a place to work and not a place to find all sorts of delicious (not healthy) foods. I am here to tell you that office's are evil environments for those of us on diets. There is a candy dish on every desk, THERE IS A CANDY DISH ON MY DESK!! I didn't put it on the desk but there it is, taunting me all day long with it's Hershey kisses and York Peppermint Patties.So far I have resisted temptation. It is hard though. I walked into the kitchen at work today and what was in there but two boxes of chocolate truffles, damn truffles how they tempted me. There is always someone in my office that is baking and there are always things to tempt me. Such is the life of a fat girl and her food.

Food is a friend and a foe, a love and a hate. I like to cook and now I have the help of the South Beach Cook Books. I love them and even my friend Jen M. who is the pickiest eater in the whole world has liked everything I have made so far, although I do know how much she hates olives and coconut so I avoid those things when I cook. (She is sitting here with me as I write this) I don't know where my obsession with food came from but it has been something that I have loved and hated for a long time. I love eating, I love the taste of food, I do not love the way I feel when I have eaten something that I know is bad for me. I feel and enormous sense of guilt, I know what I am doing is wrong but at the time I just don't care, not until I have taken the last bite of whatever calorie laden thing I have eaten. Then I feel like the lowest thing on the planet. Don't ask me why I do it, I don't even know. Maybe someday soon I will understand. For now I will leave you with these words of advice; please, please, please do not EVER ask a heavy person if "they really want to eat that" because I guarantee that even if they don't they will now that you have said it, it is like a triple dog dare. You can't say no. You aren't helping you are hurting, just thought you should know.

Demons in the closet

You know what they are, you have them too. Articles of clothing that haven't fit you in years but for some reason there they are, looking back at you. Taunting you for not fitting into them any more. You don't know why you keep them but you can't get rid of them to save your life. Maybe one day you will fit back into them, maybe one day you can be that size again (although you haven't been anywhere close to that size in many many years). You keep hope alive and back in the closet they go.

I have so many clothes spanning so many sizes it is ridiculous. Most of them are pants, evil pants, I love them and I hate them all at the same time. I try on a regular basis to let go of such items but every time I pull them out of the closet I can't manage to part with them. All I can think is "What if I manage to fit into these again." For the first time in a long time I have gotten back into a size of pant I didn't fit into for while. Normally I just grow out of them and then the sad pants hang there looking at me and reminding of my ever growing self. It is an amazing feeling to move down in sizes, one that I am not used to but hopefully with any luck in the coming weeks/months/year I will drop down size by size. I shouldn't say I hope, I should say I will. I keep taking this whole eating thing one day at a time. It seems to be the best way to operate.

I have many more hurdles to jump over including overcoming my distaste for exercise. I hate it almost as much as I hate pants, the same love/hate. I know it is good for me but I don't like the way it makes me feel, flabby, out of shape and sad. Just like when I try on those demons in the closet (pants). One day I will master both. This is the week I try to incorporate as much exercise I can stand. I am shooting for three days a week, whether I like it or not.

Fashionista with a problem

I just would like to know who decided that all plus size women want to wear their pants underneath their boobs.That person better hope I never meet them because I may have to take off my shoe (very cute shoe) and beat them with it. I have an issue with any pair of pants that I have to pull up well above my belly button. It's not cute, it doesn't make us feel sexy or fashionable. I am so tired of trying on clothes that are super baggy and pants that have a crotch that is a foot long. IT'S ANNOYING!! To all of the fashion designers out there please listen to us! If the skinny women of the world want to wear it the more voluptuous women want to wear it too.

I am so tired of being made to feel like there is something wrong with me because I am a bigger woman. I know there are things I want to change, I know why I want to change them. I want to be healthy, I want to be sexy. I don't want to feel like some kind of social deviant because I have extra weight on my frame. Why do people feel it is okay to make comments about the size of a person? Some people don't mean to hurt you with those words but if I said every random thought that popped into my head when I met someone new I probably would have been beaten up several times. I had a guy say to me last week that I was "Very fashion forward for a big girl." I wanted to tell him that he was "very fashion forward for a jack ass that had just escaped the farm". I wanted to punch him right in the neck! Anyways, that's my rant for the moment. I would just like to say that I can guarantee that shoe companies have it made when it comes to making money from larger women, shoes always fit and a good pair of shoes can make you feel like the sexiest person in the room. For those of you that know me well and know my obsession with footwear I hope this has shed some light on why I own so many pairs of shoes. :)

Life and it's curve balls

I have had some things happen in my life that I have had no control over but me being me I wanted to think I could have made a difference. It is a double edged sword for me. I worked very hard to keep a member of my family on this earth and in the end he left anyways. Nothing I could do about, no words I said would have made him stay, it was his choice alone and I guess I have to accept that. What does this have to do with my weight you ask? Well I will tell you. When I was coping with the possibilities of losing him I ate, when he died I ate. I can say I gained 60 lbs in the three years he struggled, I was killing myself in a way.

I have always struggled with my weight, ever since I can remember. In the beginning my eating habits where a way of rebellion. As I got older I solidified those habits of coping through food, in turn I gained weight and felt worse about myself. When the most important man in my life began struggling I tried to help him, I tried but while trying I put myself out of my mind and focused on him and his struggles along with the pain it brought me and my family. I kept getting bigger and I kept feeling worse.

I am the type of person who wants to help people, the type that can give tons of advice but can't take any of it. I don't like talking about myself, I would rather get wrapped up in other peoples struggles than my own. In the last year I have started to look inwards and I don't like what I see, I am not happy. I don't feel like I have accomplished the things I have wanted to accomplish. I am not where I want to be at 23. So rather than wallow in the what ifs and should haves I am doing what I tell my friends to do, I am putting on my "big girl panties" and taking control. Only I did this to myself. Only I can fix it. It wont be easy and it wont be quick but if it gives me an extra 15 to 20 years on my life I am going to do it. I am angry that I let myself get to this point, that I put myself and my health on the back burner. I am better than that and I deserve better than that from myself. No I am not going to start listening to tapes that say I am worth the work and you probably wont see me in the gym for 3 hours at a time 6 days a week but I am taking the steps to make myself better. Slowly and one foot in front of the other, life is what it is and nothing "happens for a reason" but s%&$ happens and you just have to deal with it and move on. The man I lost is always with me, watching and encouraging me. I still feel him and I know he is proud of what I am doing. My heart still aches for him but I know that just because he is gone he wouldn't want me to give up. I would say this ones for you Daddy but really it is for me so I can be the woman you and Mom raised me to be. Strong, independent and in control of my actions and the path I take. I will make you, Mom and myself proud. I promise. (I would add "I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!!" but I feel like that would be too much. :) )

I'd rather not have the compliment at all

I can't count how many times I have gotten a compliment that has had a backlash to it, a compliment that isn't a compliment at all. Such as, "Wow you have such a pretty face" or "You have such lovely eyes, lips, hair, etc." or my personal favorite of "You are really pretty for a fat girl." What do you say to that other then f&%$ you very much. What women who have who have a couple of extra pounds on their bodies hear is, "You have such a pretty (fill in the blank) but you have a really fat/unattractive body." In my opinion it is just better to not give the compliment at all.

We live in a society that puts so much pressure on people, women in particular, to be beautiful and thin. It isn't going to be that way for all of us. Almost half of all Americans struggle with their weight, it is a sad fact but it is the truth. I can't count how many times I have thought, "If I was thinner I would be happier." The truth of that matter is I would be happier if I was thinner but I want to be thinner so I can live longer.

My greatest fear is developing some sort of weight related disease. So far I have been lucky but you never know how long your luck will hold out. The problem with being overweight is that most of the time there is a reason you became that way. Some reasons can be fixed by medication, some have to be fixed by looking inward and figuring out what the root of the problem is. I have figured out what my root is and now I have to figure out how to tackle it. I am an emotional eater and if something stresses me out or makes me sad or I get bored or I am celebrating something I eat. I can't help it , I know what I am doing is bad but I still put the food in my mouth. In the end I feel guilty and it has done nothing to soothe me. Hopefully some day soon I can figure out how to stop completely but right now when I get the urge to eat out of stress, sadness, fear and happiness I try to eat something that isn't going to put 5 lbs on my a$$ and cause people to give me compliments like, "You have such a beautiful face" and instead give me a compliment of, You have such a great a$$!" Here's hoping. :)

Day 1

Lets face it, most of us have a few pounds we want to lose but people like me have lots that they want to shed. I dont know how I let myself get this way but I did and now I have to face the facts. Time to get my rear in gear.

I have tried many diets, Weight Watchers, Nutrisystems, just trying to eat better and exercise, and last but not least South Beach. Only one out of these four have had an affect on bringing my weight down and that is South Beach. The others, especially the first two (Weight Watchers & Nutrisystems) failed miserably. Weight Watchers became a game of points, "If I trade these points for that piece of chocolate cake than I will just eat fewer points tomorrow." Nutrisystems food just tasted AWFUL so I lived like a rabbit and ate only green leafy things which worked for awhile but wasn't sustainable. Then the South beach diet came along, it made sense to me. It tells you what you can and cant have for a period of time and how to introduce foods back into your diet. I had been working on cutting out the carbs and sugar and that can make anyone into a crazed psychopath. Not fun but totally worth it. :) I have been on South Beach since August and so far I have lost 45 lbs. Not too shabby but I have about 110 more to go.

That's just a bit of background on my previous endeavors now onto the good stuff. This blog is to keep me accountable and maybe help other people through their struggles. The more I write and the more it is read the better I will do. I am making the commitment to write at least once every few days if not once a day. Hopefully I can finish this journey. Wish me luck.