Hello my name is Sarah and I am a food addict

Addiction…..it is an ugly word and people have an immediate reaction to it. The truth is that I am addicted to food.It sounds weird and unlikely but the truth is that food is my coping mechanism. See the problem with being a food addict or an emotional eater is that it is like using a band aid to cover a 6 inch wound, it doesn’t work, it is ineffective and really the only thing you are doing is making it harder for that wound to heal. It also holds true when you rip that band aid off and realize that the wound is so much worse then you originally thought and now you have to figure out a different way to heal it. All you want to do is put that band aid back on and forget about it. That’s what happens to me when I try to deal with my emotional issues in a different way other than eating. When I take away the comfort foods that I have used for a band aid for so long it surprises me what all comes back up.



I have pushed my fears, self doubt, pain etc down and covered over the surface of it with a layer of fat. I heard a great way of describing what the extra weight represents, it is my bubble wrap, and it is what I needed to make it through some pretty traumatic things in my life. I shouldn’t hate it but now I don’t need it. The thing is that the lack of comfort food is taking a toll on my emotional state; I have to find a different outlet to create a more affective and healing band aid, maybe one with Neosporin. : ) For now I am trying to work through the emotional things that come up.



The thing that surprised me most was the overwhelming feeling of guilt and sadness about losing my dad. Sunday was father’s day but in the last 5 years it has been kind of sad but not overwhelmingly depressing. I felt guilty that I could no longer picture what my life would be like if I had him around and that his approval or disappointment no longer factored into my decision making. I know it is a natural thing, he is gone, he isn’t coming back, why would he still factor in? I just feel like he should, that somehow he should still be a huge part of my life. In a way he is but in other ways he isn’t, it just surprises me how much I miss him. I guess I go through phases, I will always miss him, and it just depends on the day and time and emotional state as to how much. It is like I have a hole in my heart and it is partially healed but that band aid that covers the rest peels back every so often leaving the wound exposed. That’s when it hurts, that’s when I want to eat myself into a coma. Why am I still so affected? Sometimes I wonder if I am alone in this? Am I incapable of getting over it? Is this how everyone grieves? Am I holding onto things I shouldn’t? Is this normal? These are the questions that run through my head. The biggest ones, the ones that torment me are….. Would he be proud of me if he was here now? Have I lived up to the goals and expectations he set for me? Will I ever be half the amazing person he was? Will I forget the sound of his voice, his laugh, his smile? I hope not, I hope I carry him forever and live up to what he would have wanted me to be.