The Gym Culture

Ok so I have been doing the gym thing religously for the last 7 weeks! Its hard! I mean really f&%$ing hard! I have discovered muscles I NEVER knew I had, not because they are all beautifully toned but because all of a sudden the hurt like a mother!! I am still flabby and probably look I am about to fall over and pass out after most of my sessions with the tiny evil trainer but I know I am getting stronger. I have gotten into my routine... but now there are new people, lets call them the "Resolution-ers".


I don't like them! They have invaded and they take my favorite treadmill!! I mean really, how many people want to be at the gym at 6am working out?! They all look so damn excited to do it too! Have I mentioned I don't like them?? This may sound mean, it probably does but I know that most of them will be gone in a few short weeks! I will get my treadmill back dammit!!

All in all I am doing well noticing subtle changes, I want bigger ones.. I am taking the extra step. I'll get there, stay posted. next post will have a full body shot..

I Choose... Change

Life changes are an interesting thing, you are always growing or adapting but large changes seem to be few and far between unless you actively make them. In the past 4 months I have made some very large changes. I started a new job, moved into my own place, and now I am focusing on my health.

Originally this blog was called Journey from Fat to Fit. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of what I was doing. Life happens… work, school, friends and family intervene… I put other things and other people first as I have a habit of doing. I had a health scare; nothing major but the possibility that something was or could be wrong scared me... a lot. All the tests came back normal. Nothing to be concerned about but it got me thinking. I am carrying easily 100 pounds more then I should be for my height. I may be ok now but what will happen 10 years from now. It’s a sobering thought. I HATE doctors, it’s nothing against them personally, I just have severe White Coat syndrome. What if I continue down the path I am on... if I do I see a lot of Doctors’ visits in my future. I don’t want that, so last week I took the first step.

I joined a gym, for real this time. I paid 18 months up front and committed to a trainer for a year. Ok that’s the easy part, signing up, now I have to be accountable. I started going, the day after I signed up, is it fun… nope not yet. Do I feel comfortable there, nope not yet, but I will. The only way I will is if I keep going. Dammit I paid for it I might as well. Every now and then I have panic attacks thinking of how much money I am spending, then I look at it again and think, “It’s an investment in my health, would you rather spend the money on Doctors’ visits or on this.” I choose this. I choose my health. I choose a future where I know I am healthy and that I can do anything I want. That’s what I choose, I choose me…

A Curve Ball or Two

It’s been awhile…. A very long while actually. Things for the most part are great. I started a new job a month and a half ago and I am moving into my own place in a couple of weeks!! My very own place. ☺ I should be ecstatic right? I am, for the most part, but I am also a little concerned about something…

For the last month or so I have had some unexplained swelling in by ankles and feet. It didn’t seem like a big deal at first but little by little it bugged me. So I finally went and saw a doctor. She didn’t seem too concerned about but suggested some blood work to check things out, so we did. Everything came back normal, which is great but it didn’t explain the swelling. I went back in today to do more blood work to test my thyroid as well as a urine sample to check for protein (TMI I am sure… sorry). All of this will probably come back normal and if it does I will be thrilled of course and if it doesn’t I will take it one step and day at a time. I am scared though, scared that I am doing this to myself.

For anyone who knows me or has seen me you know I am a “Big” girl. I carry a lot of extra weight around and on most days despite the extra pounds I can hold my head up with pride. Even as I type this I realize I don’t see myself as all others do I suppose. I don’t focus on the parts of myself I don’t like. I see the things I do like… my eyes because they are the same expressive hazel eyes my dad had, my mouth and smile, my curves… even though they could be lessened God blessed me with a proportionate shape. I am realizing though that I need to focus not so much on what I look like outside but the stress that this extra weight is putting on my body. I am probably ok for now but what about 10 years from now?

That part is scary and makes me sad. I could say that I want to lose weight to look better and to be able to buy the clothes that I want to wear but the fact of the matter is that I NEED to lose weight to stay healthy. Part of me feels like a traitor…

I belong to an amazing group of women, they are called the Alaska Thick Mamis (check us out on Facebook ☺ ) . The ATMs stand up against domestic violence and fundraise to benefit places like AWAIC Women’s shelter and Kid’s Kitchen, the founders and my fellow Admins. are some of the strongest, most confident and gorgeous women I have ever met.. oh and did I mention that we are all ( for the most part) plus size women? I feel like a traitor not for wanting to lose weight but for the fact that I feel like my confidence level isn’t what it should be. Right now I feel like I am battling a war between what I have been trying to prove to people and myself and what I know I need to do to get healthy.

I may never be a small girl, hell I probably wont see any size below a 14 or 16 but I know I need to do something. I am scared of the complications if I don’t, I am scared of needing to have people help me through day to day tasks. I am scared of the complication if I end up with Diabetes, Chronic Kidney Disease or Heart Disease. These all seemed like far away things, or that they couldn’t happen to me but I am starting to realize that maybe they could and maybe they are. I can’t let that happen. I am still trying to find myself and where I am going in my life. The last thing I want is for something completely preventable to take that all away from me. I won’t let it… I can’t…
So now the real work begins… Wish me luck

Tired..... just so very tired

I am my father’s daughter. If someone asks me for help I do everything in my power to give or do what I can to help them. It seems as of late that 9 times out of 10 it blows up in my face. There is a saying that I have adopted as of recently that speaks all to well of what I am feeling these days, what I want to scream from the rooftops!!! The saying is “Please do not mistake my kindness for weakness.”

It is absolutely the truth. Just because I helped you, loaned you money, did you a favor, doesn’t mean that I am a person that you can manipulate. Just because I wanted to be there for you during your time of need does not mean that I will do back flips to come to your every beck and call. I am a good friend, a loyal person and lord knows I will do what I can but if you abuse this kindness and just assume that I am a pushover you are sorely mistaken. I am tired of being the after thought until you find you need something and then I am the person you call “because I have always been there for you”. The question is….. Have you been there for me? Have you offered to help when you can tell I am struggling? Or is it all about you? So when I don’t answer that call or asked to be paid back for money I have lent does that really make ME a bad person? Should I really be feeling guilty that I have hurt you in some way? The sad thing is that I will. I hate confrontation but I am learning that if I have to be a little confrontational to let my voice be heard and get my point across that I won’t be anyone’s door mat then so be it.

I will always want to help, I will always care and I will always feel for someone if they are struggling. If I can help I will but my kindness is not weakness. My kindness is a strength… one that can be misinterpreted by some. It gets old, it makes me want to suppress this quality. For now I will just say to be careful. One day I may not be there. Good old dependable Sarah maybe done with the bull shit at that point. Then what? What will you do? I hope I never have to show someone what happens when that well runs dry. Most likely it will just wear me down, wear me out, lose faith in others, continue to brew lack of trust in some…..

I might be a little Bent but i am far from Broken

I was thinking today about what 2012 might bring and while most people have already broken their New Years resolutions I am still working on the promise I made to myself... this year I am going to love ME!! I am going to put ME first, I am going to do whats best for ME!!!! I have been tested and had some very hard things thrown at me.

I lost the most amazing man on the face of this earth, my father, to a disease that no one really can understand unless you have been through it. I still don't know if I understand what he faced. I am stronger for being his daughter and for learning what understanding and compassion was by watching the example he and my mother set for me growing up.

After he died I was lost and made the mistake of falling in love with a man who was much older and not right at all for me. He treated me well in the beginning until the lies he told me started to fall apart. Everyone saw that he was wrong for me, even me, but I so badly wanted to see him become the man I thought he could be. I let him get away with many things.... cheating... lying... making me feel as though there was something wrong with me, something I wasn't doing right... In the end I grew stronger and learned to say goodbye to a person that wasn't good for me.

Everyone has baggage, demons, things that have tested them.... I have mine...

I am porcelain, I have been through the fire and have come out stronger. I may have my flaws but I am not going to break, bend maybe.. but never break. I am done hating things about myself, wondering what could have been, wondering where I would be now if things were different. ENOUGH WITH THE WONDERING!!!!!

I will accept my flaws and move on, improve what I can and love what I can't no matter what. Whether that is my body, my life, or my job. I have overcome things that would break a person... I am porcelain.... I am stronger than I look. I may bend but I sure as hell won't break.

2012 Resolutions

I hate New Years resolutions... mainly because I make them and then never follow through. This year I am not going to make a resolution per say. I am going to make a promise to myself.

I promise to put myself first, put my health first (both mental and physical) and make sure that at the end of the day I am happy.

I have spent too long worrying about how others feel, what they need, how I can help. While that is all fine and good I have also put myself in the backseat, because it is easier to focus on others and making them happy as opposed to focusing on myself and finding the root of why I am unhappy. Life for me, (for the most part) is good. I enjoy my job. I have money to pay my bills and I have some amazing friends. I am blessed in that sense. I just need to take the time to focus on me. Time to take the things I have been wishing for and make them into a reality. That means a lot of hard work and self reflection. I have a feeling that 2012 will bring big changes for me. Not sure what all they will be but for better or for worse I am ready. :)

Thankful

I am a sucker for this time of year, Christmas is by far my favorite holiday!! Nothing bad ever seemed to happen at Christmas which always made it feel magical to me. Even as an adult the feeling still remains. It isn't about the gifts, giving or receiving, it's about the people you care about. I know how corny this sounds and if those of you reading this are gagging I am sorry... It's true though.

I am thankful for my family and very grateful that we are all so close. I am thankful for my friends, especially those that have stuck by me through the hardest times in my life (i.e. Jenny Tanner, I love you girly!!) I am thankful for everything my dad taught me before he passed;
1. Be an honest person, if you don't have your word you don't have anything
2. Work hard, it's the only way to get what you want
3. Treat others with kindness and respect, if you can help someone in a time of need then do it.
4. Above all value family and friends, show them how much they mean to you. Life is short and they are the ones that make interesting :)


I miss him, especially during the holidays but I am thankful to have had him as my father and I am very thankful to have my mother... He would be proud of us and truth be told I still feel him with me. I still hear his laugh and I still can feel his reassuring hand on my back when things get hard. I am thankful for everything I have been given and everything that is to come. I am thankful for all of you. Merry Christmas. I hope it is filled with family, friends, joy and laughter as well as a little but of magic.