Well the time of the year that I dread the most is coming up on the 15th. That would be the 5 year anniversary of my dad's death. I think it may always bother me, of course I will be sad and of course I will remember him but maybe one day I wont have that compulsion to just stuff my face until I can make some of the sadness and hurt go away. I am going to try to figure a plan B. The one good thing is that I will be working so I wont be thinking so much about what that day is. It was only five years ago but it seems like a lifetime.
I was a freshman in college (yes I have been going to school for 5 years) when he died and looking back on that girl that I was I really don't recognize her. I don't know if I am stronger than she was or weaker at this point. I have a tendency to stress about the little things and sometimes have to remind myself that I have survived so much worse. I made it through something that could have destroyed me. It did for a little while I guess, I walked through the first 6 months of him being gone in a total daze, I questioned everything I said to him or did and I am ashamed to admit that towards the end of his life I was angry, I mean really, really angry. I don't think so much at him but at the situation, at the fact that I just wanted to be 18 and not have to worry if my dad was ever going to pull out of this tailspin that he was in. I was angry that this was happening to him, the best man I have ever known. I wish he were here now, I wonder what type of person I would be if I still had the love and guidance of my dad. Would I be farther in my life or would I be in the same spot? That girl that lost her dad so long ago is gone and I now stand in her place. Am I better or worse than I was?? I am heavier now than I was then but I think I have a greater appreciation of life and the simple moments in it. It made me appreciate family more and helped me realize how much my dad had given me. He made a bigger impact on people in his short 47 years than some people made in their entire lifetime. I am happy to remember him. I hope that I make him proud. I have always been a Daddy's girl after all.
My dear Sarah- you are like that beautiful cherry tree in the blog. It is flowering and fragrant, beautiful, made by God and so special. See that trunk? It is big, strong and yet is twisted and has lost limbs over the years. It is beautiful because it has gone through many seasons in life. Not necessarily MANY seasons, but in your instance, seasons of change-
ReplyDeleteYou are changing. This tree is as graceful in the winter as it is beautifull in the spring with it's petal pink blossoms.
Patience is difficult, and this tree waits out three seasons until one special one arrives to let it show off its glory.
This journey WE are on is not a fast one, or an easy way. It is one day, one season at a time. Remember, my sweet friend, there is NO END to this journey. One day you will be at the perfect weight, or maybe not. But the days go by and what we do with our days it totally up to us - "Don't count the days, make the days count." Life is short, enjoy every day, be happy and positive and DON'T be so hard on yourself! Think of all the GREAT and POSITIVES things in your life!!!! Focus on the good rather than the bad.
Once we are at the weight we want, it will not end. We will have to continue to be mindful and vigilant about our food, health and fitness or we will get big again.
Nothing will change, except your pant size.
You will still be Sarah, the beautiful cherry tree, no matter what size trunk you have and we will all love you no matter what. YOU are an awesome young woman. You have a wonderful life ahead and are stronger becuase of the life you've experienced in your 23 short years. Come talk to me when you are 50!
All my love, Teri