Life and it's curve balls

I have had some things happen in my life that I have had no control over but me being me I wanted to think I could have made a difference. It is a double edged sword for me. I worked very hard to keep a member of my family on this earth and in the end he left anyways. Nothing I could do about, no words I said would have made him stay, it was his choice alone and I guess I have to accept that. What does this have to do with my weight you ask? Well I will tell you. When I was coping with the possibilities of losing him I ate, when he died I ate. I can say I gained 60 lbs in the three years he struggled, I was killing myself in a way.

I have always struggled with my weight, ever since I can remember. In the beginning my eating habits where a way of rebellion. As I got older I solidified those habits of coping through food, in turn I gained weight and felt worse about myself. When the most important man in my life began struggling I tried to help him, I tried but while trying I put myself out of my mind and focused on him and his struggles along with the pain it brought me and my family. I kept getting bigger and I kept feeling worse.

I am the type of person who wants to help people, the type that can give tons of advice but can't take any of it. I don't like talking about myself, I would rather get wrapped up in other peoples struggles than my own. In the last year I have started to look inwards and I don't like what I see, I am not happy. I don't feel like I have accomplished the things I have wanted to accomplish. I am not where I want to be at 23. So rather than wallow in the what ifs and should haves I am doing what I tell my friends to do, I am putting on my "big girl panties" and taking control. Only I did this to myself. Only I can fix it. It wont be easy and it wont be quick but if it gives me an extra 15 to 20 years on my life I am going to do it. I am angry that I let myself get to this point, that I put myself and my health on the back burner. I am better than that and I deserve better than that from myself. No I am not going to start listening to tapes that say I am worth the work and you probably wont see me in the gym for 3 hours at a time 6 days a week but I am taking the steps to make myself better. Slowly and one foot in front of the other, life is what it is and nothing "happens for a reason" but s%&$ happens and you just have to deal with it and move on. The man I lost is always with me, watching and encouraging me. I still feel him and I know he is proud of what I am doing. My heart still aches for him but I know that just because he is gone he wouldn't want me to give up. I would say this ones for you Daddy but really it is for me so I can be the woman you and Mom raised me to be. Strong, independent and in control of my actions and the path I take. I will make you, Mom and myself proud. I promise. (I would add "I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!!" but I feel like that would be too much. :) )