After weeks of strange slightly sad feelings I feel as though I am returning, the happier me. My singing Is progressing well and I am making some big breakthroughs thanks to my wonderful voice teacher Kate. Thanks Kate for being so patient with me. I am trying to eat better although I think my sweet tooth is getting the better of me. There are evil candy dishes in the office and some hold stuff that I just cant turn down.
It is the simple things that keep me on track, the thought of new jeans or being able to shop for pants in any store help me put down that carton of Ben & Jerry’s when I get tempted at the grocery store. . You think I am a shopping fiend now just wait till I can fit into a size 8 or 10. I will be a maniac. I need to move the scale back downstairs because that keeps me honest although I do have to get better about not weighing myself every day. I think I may also start a photo album as I drop lbs. although I don’t think it will be one I will post to this blog. That may be a little too embarrassing for me. I am realizing that I have a skewed view of how I look. It don’t know if that is good or bad but I do not see what other people see, probably because I have spent so long looking at my flaws and not at the good things. Time to start looking for the positive.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Lets get some shoes
I love shoes, lots and lots of shoes. I do have a problem however and I pose this question to those that read this, is there a way for me to wear heels and have them be comfortable even though I am heavy? I have all of these wonderful shoes that I bought that are 3 inch heals or higher and I love them and want to wear them but after about 30 minutes of having them on the balls of my feet are screaming at me. I am hoping that as I lose weight there will be less pressure on my feet and I will be able to wear these beautiful shoes in comfort and style. I have tried the cushion foot pads and those seem to help but I think maybe I am missing something. Can a big girl be comfortable in heels or do I just have to grin and bear the pain? Any suggestions? Just the random thought for the day. :)
Friday, February 19, 2010
Anger is an ugly thing
I was reminded (thanks Mom) that anger is not a pretty emotion. My entry from Monday was kind of an angry one. I don't know where it came from, I think it was wrapped up in the emotions of the day. What my mom said is true, anger is ugly and normally unproductive but it is also unavoidable. The tricky thing is coming to terms with why you are angry. In the case of the article I wrote about last time I was angry because I felt betrayed in a sense and I felt as though I needed to voice my issues with that outside of just immediate family members but it doesn't change anything it can just be cathartic. Some anger is harder to identify,I struggle a lot with the fact that I want to help people and when I can't I get upset. Sometimes it manifests as anger and sometimes it is just sadness. Either way not being able to help those I love bothers me. I am learning more and more though that life is totally out of our control for the most part.
I attended a memorial service today for a guy that is my age, he was working earlier this week out in the field and there was an accident that cost him his life. His service today was packed and the one resounding theme that every person that got up to talk spoke about was the fact that he lived life to the fullest. I started wondering if I lived for today or if I lived for the future? Did I make every minute count? Would there be 300 people at my memorial service one day? Was I in a holding pattern or was I working towards what I wanted and really, really reaching for it. When I was younger my dad had a poster of a squirrel reaching for a red berry just out of it's grasp and it said "What is your berry?" Am I trying to grab my "berry"? So here is my plan. I am taking the words of wisdom from the people that spoke at the memorial service and the post that my dad had for so long and combining the two. It is time for me to live every day as though I may not have another and it is also time for me to really go after the things I want. No more anger and tearing myself down. What is done is done and the only thing I can do is move forward. Always look forward and never turn back, this means letting go of residual anger. So with that I am letting the past anger fall away and starting fresh tomorrow. After all I am only 23 and have so much more life to live.:) Rest in peace Sunny and thank you for helping me in a round about way. I didnt know you well but you were loved by many and your presence is felt even after you have gone, look up my dad in heaven, you both had a similar outlook on life I think. Tomorrow is a new day and I will start fresh, thanks for the wake up call.
I attended a memorial service today for a guy that is my age, he was working earlier this week out in the field and there was an accident that cost him his life. His service today was packed and the one resounding theme that every person that got up to talk spoke about was the fact that he lived life to the fullest. I started wondering if I lived for today or if I lived for the future? Did I make every minute count? Would there be 300 people at my memorial service one day? Was I in a holding pattern or was I working towards what I wanted and really, really reaching for it. When I was younger my dad had a poster of a squirrel reaching for a red berry just out of it's grasp and it said "What is your berry?" Am I trying to grab my "berry"? So here is my plan. I am taking the words of wisdom from the people that spoke at the memorial service and the post that my dad had for so long and combining the two. It is time for me to live every day as though I may not have another and it is also time for me to really go after the things I want. No more anger and tearing myself down. What is done is done and the only thing I can do is move forward. Always look forward and never turn back, this means letting go of residual anger. So with that I am letting the past anger fall away and starting fresh tomorrow. After all I am only 23 and have so much more life to live.:) Rest in peace Sunny and thank you for helping me in a round about way. I didnt know you well but you were loved by many and your presence is felt even after you have gone, look up my dad in heaven, you both had a similar outlook on life I think. Tomorrow is a new day and I will start fresh, thanks for the wake up call.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Today is the day
So today marks the 5th anniversary of my dad's death. I am never sure how to spend this day and what the appropriate tribute to him would be. I don't want to call it a celebration because there is nothing celebratory of him being gone, nothing at all. I miss him every day and today it feels like that hole in my heart has been reopened. I have been reading over old emails that we sent back and forth when he was in the hospital in Wisconsin. He sounded better, hopeful and like he was ready to enjoy life. He only made it another two years. After he died his cousin wrote an article about suicide in the Denver Post featuring my dad and his story. To this day that article makes my blood boil. She had no right to write such a personal thing about my father but she did and it is on the Internet for the whole world to see. Shortly after the article came out she started receiving emails from people who had read it and thought she was so "courageous" for writing such a personal article. Let me set the record straight....
My Father and his cousin, we will call her "Dia", had only spoken once in the five years leading up to his death. They had not been in communication in a long time nor had they seen each other in a even longer amount of time. No one knew she was coming for the memorial service. She called one day and introduced herself (I had never met her) and said she would be to the house shortly. I thought it was fine, nice of her to come and support the family, little did I know she may have had other intentions. I am not trying to say that she came up just to get info for an article but it seemed weird that she was there. Anyways, she stayed for about 4 days and grieved with us as we tried to make out way through such a painful experience. About three weeks after she went home we found out through my sister's friend that there had been a article written that had circulated through the oil industry up in Alaska and elsewhere that was written by none other than Dia. She never told us she was writing an article and even after she did she never informed us. We found out about it from my sister's friend (who was 13 at the time). I was furious, my family was furious. I have always said that I was no ashamed of how my dad chose to end his suffering but I didn't think it needed to be published in the paper. I ended up writing her an email, in response she apologized but asked if I wanted to see some of the emails that she had been sent in response. I said that I wanted to see them so she sent them. Everyone who wrote was very sweet, loved the article, thought it spoke well of the struggle my dad had faced. They commended her for telling such a personal story when really it wasn't her story to tell. She didn't have any idea what we went through, what he went through. To this day I get angry when I think about her, what she did, the information she shared. I hope she learned her lesson after she was called out on what she did. I doubt it though. Not my normal posts but I feel I needed to set the record straight.
My Father and his cousin, we will call her "Dia", had only spoken once in the five years leading up to his death. They had not been in communication in a long time nor had they seen each other in a even longer amount of time. No one knew she was coming for the memorial service. She called one day and introduced herself (I had never met her) and said she would be to the house shortly. I thought it was fine, nice of her to come and support the family, little did I know she may have had other intentions. I am not trying to say that she came up just to get info for an article but it seemed weird that she was there. Anyways, she stayed for about 4 days and grieved with us as we tried to make out way through such a painful experience. About three weeks after she went home we found out through my sister's friend that there had been a article written that had circulated through the oil industry up in Alaska and elsewhere that was written by none other than Dia. She never told us she was writing an article and even after she did she never informed us. We found out about it from my sister's friend (who was 13 at the time). I was furious, my family was furious. I have always said that I was no ashamed of how my dad chose to end his suffering but I didn't think it needed to be published in the paper. I ended up writing her an email, in response she apologized but asked if I wanted to see some of the emails that she had been sent in response. I said that I wanted to see them so she sent them. Everyone who wrote was very sweet, loved the article, thought it spoke well of the struggle my dad had faced. They commended her for telling such a personal story when really it wasn't her story to tell. She didn't have any idea what we went through, what he went through. To this day I get angry when I think about her, what she did, the information she shared. I hope she learned her lesson after she was called out on what she did. I doubt it though. Not my normal posts but I feel I needed to set the record straight.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
3 days from now
Well the time of the year that I dread the most is coming up on the 15th. That would be the 5 year anniversary of my dad's death. I think it may always bother me, of course I will be sad and of course I will remember him but maybe one day I wont have that compulsion to just stuff my face until I can make some of the sadness and hurt go away. I am going to try to figure a plan B. The one good thing is that I will be working so I wont be thinking so much about what that day is. It was only five years ago but it seems like a lifetime.
I was a freshman in college (yes I have been going to school for 5 years) when he died and looking back on that girl that I was I really don't recognize her. I don't know if I am stronger than she was or weaker at this point. I have a tendency to stress about the little things and sometimes have to remind myself that I have survived so much worse. I made it through something that could have destroyed me. It did for a little while I guess, I walked through the first 6 months of him being gone in a total daze, I questioned everything I said to him or did and I am ashamed to admit that towards the end of his life I was angry, I mean really, really angry. I don't think so much at him but at the situation, at the fact that I just wanted to be 18 and not have to worry if my dad was ever going to pull out of this tailspin that he was in. I was angry that this was happening to him, the best man I have ever known. I wish he were here now, I wonder what type of person I would be if I still had the love and guidance of my dad. Would I be farther in my life or would I be in the same spot? That girl that lost her dad so long ago is gone and I now stand in her place. Am I better or worse than I was?? I am heavier now than I was then but I think I have a greater appreciation of life and the simple moments in it. It made me appreciate family more and helped me realize how much my dad had given me. He made a bigger impact on people in his short 47 years than some people made in their entire lifetime. I am happy to remember him. I hope that I make him proud. I have always been a Daddy's girl after all.
I was a freshman in college (yes I have been going to school for 5 years) when he died and looking back on that girl that I was I really don't recognize her. I don't know if I am stronger than she was or weaker at this point. I have a tendency to stress about the little things and sometimes have to remind myself that I have survived so much worse. I made it through something that could have destroyed me. It did for a little while I guess, I walked through the first 6 months of him being gone in a total daze, I questioned everything I said to him or did and I am ashamed to admit that towards the end of his life I was angry, I mean really, really angry. I don't think so much at him but at the situation, at the fact that I just wanted to be 18 and not have to worry if my dad was ever going to pull out of this tailspin that he was in. I was angry that this was happening to him, the best man I have ever known. I wish he were here now, I wonder what type of person I would be if I still had the love and guidance of my dad. Would I be farther in my life or would I be in the same spot? That girl that lost her dad so long ago is gone and I now stand in her place. Am I better or worse than I was?? I am heavier now than I was then but I think I have a greater appreciation of life and the simple moments in it. It made me appreciate family more and helped me realize how much my dad had given me. He made a bigger impact on people in his short 47 years than some people made in their entire lifetime. I am happy to remember him. I hope that I make him proud. I have always been a Daddy's girl after all.
Friday, February 5, 2010
It has been a little while
I'm back!!! :) Did you miss me? I bet not. Week two has been going ok, a few minor slip ups but I am only human so I am forgiving myself of those and forging on. I didn't make my goal of going to the gym M-Th. Big shocker, I know. I have found a way to hate the gym less and thanks to all of you who gave me ideas on how to make my working out more enjoyable. I have to say that Courtney's idea was fantastic. :) I will have to try that. So on a totally different and unrelated to working out note,I had the chance to see my favorite Opera in the whole wide world "Carmen" (yes I am a nerd, I know) this week. The reason I mention this is because I think every woman could use a little bit of the Carmen character in her life.
For those of you that haven't seen the opera "Carmen" it is about a beautiful gypsy woman named...... Carmen!! (I am sure you weren't expecting that) Anyways, Carmen is a woman that could have any man she wanted and of course she always fell for men who were off limits. In the end she gets what she wants when she meets Don Jose and starts a relationship with him until she is sick of him and discards him for another man which then leads to her demise. There are parts to Carmen that aren't very positive, like the fact that her love affairs don't last long or the fact that she is pretty temperamental. When I say that every woman should have a little bit of the Carmen character in her I mean the confidence. The confidence to do whatever you want, the confidence to know that you are beautiful and sexy. JUST CONFIDENCE! That is the kind of confidence that I lack, a lot of times with people that are emotional eaters we have decided that we no longer matter. I know in my case I put others first and left myself to be the last priority, or maybe it was easier to deal with others problems than face my own insecurities. Either way my mission for this week is to find the inner confidence. The ability to look in the mirror and see someone that is beautiful and smart. Right now I see the negative, the flabby stomach and the too big thighs. Time to look for the positive. I can find it, I am sure it is in there somewhere. :)
For those of you that haven't seen the opera "Carmen" it is about a beautiful gypsy woman named...... Carmen!! (I am sure you weren't expecting that) Anyways, Carmen is a woman that could have any man she wanted and of course she always fell for men who were off limits. In the end she gets what she wants when she meets Don Jose and starts a relationship with him until she is sick of him and discards him for another man which then leads to her demise. There are parts to Carmen that aren't very positive, like the fact that her love affairs don't last long or the fact that she is pretty temperamental. When I say that every woman should have a little bit of the Carmen character in her I mean the confidence. The confidence to do whatever you want, the confidence to know that you are beautiful and sexy. JUST CONFIDENCE! That is the kind of confidence that I lack, a lot of times with people that are emotional eaters we have decided that we no longer matter. I know in my case I put others first and left myself to be the last priority, or maybe it was easier to deal with others problems than face my own insecurities. Either way my mission for this week is to find the inner confidence. The ability to look in the mirror and see someone that is beautiful and smart. Right now I see the negative, the flabby stomach and the too big thighs. Time to look for the positive. I can find it, I am sure it is in there somewhere. :)
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