A little down time today so I thought I would write, I haven’t in a very, very long time. Nothing earth shattering to report just life as usual, still fighting the battle of the bulge, not seeming to make much progress. I guess the biggest news is that my family and I will be taking a trip to Europe this summer for a cruise, but first we will spend a week in Wisconsin for my Cousin Jake’s wedding. Both are big events, both will require pictures to be taken. I don’t want to be the blimp in the background anymore.
I was recently looking through pictures taken at previous family reunions with the L’Heureux and Gunkel clan and I noticed a similarity in every group photo taken. The similarity is that I always hide behind someone so that it is just my face that is showing. The beauty of having a very large family (my mom is 1 of 8 siblings and my dad was 1 of 5) is that there are always plenty of relatives to use as camaflogue in pictures. I have found that cousins work best. Not the really little ones though, they don’t cover enough surface area but the ones that are pre teens or a little older are just tall enough that I can see over them and if I can have two stand in front of me they cover my body perfectly in photos. I have this down to a science. Sad isn’t it? Also never face the camera head on, always turn to the side, it is a much better angle. Interesting what you think of as a fat girl isn’t it? I hate pictures of myself. I avoid them if I can, but it’s sad. I want to be in those pictures and to look back at them and be proud of how I look. Right now that isn’t the case.
Every post I have put on this blog has pretty much been about the struggles with my weight. The thing is that losing weight is a pretty simple science, calories in vs. calories out. Shouldn’t be that hard right? So WHY does it seem impossible? I guess impossible may be the wrong word, hard may be more the word I am looking for. It is hard. Hard to stay motivated hard not to cheat when there is no one watching you. Eating crappy food is so much easier, a frozen pizza, fast food, the quick premade stuff at the grocery store. It is convenient but in no way, shape or form good for you. I did the South Beach Diet for awhile and that worked well for me but at some point I gave up, made excuses and fell off the wagon. Why is it so hard for me to do this? I hate the way my body looks, in clothes and even more out of clothes. This should be enough for me to be motivated shouldn’t it? Or the fact that while I may be healthy now 20-40 years I could start to have serious health related issues because of my weight, shouldn’t that be enough? WHY ISNT IT?? What is stopping me? I don’t have an answer. Maybe I am just lazy, maybe I am scared of what losing weight would mean. I need to look deeper. I hope I find an answer. The goal for Europe/Wedding in WI is to be down 50 pounds. Day 1 today, starting anew. Wish me luck.
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