2012 Resolutions

I hate New Years resolutions... mainly because I make them and then never follow through. This year I am not going to make a resolution per say. I am going to make a promise to myself.

I promise to put myself first, put my health first (both mental and physical) and make sure that at the end of the day I am happy.

I have spent too long worrying about how others feel, what they need, how I can help. While that is all fine and good I have also put myself in the backseat, because it is easier to focus on others and making them happy as opposed to focusing on myself and finding the root of why I am unhappy. Life for me, (for the most part) is good. I enjoy my job. I have money to pay my bills and I have some amazing friends. I am blessed in that sense. I just need to take the time to focus on me. Time to take the things I have been wishing for and make them into a reality. That means a lot of hard work and self reflection. I have a feeling that 2012 will bring big changes for me. Not sure what all they will be but for better or for worse I am ready. :)

Thankful

I am a sucker for this time of year, Christmas is by far my favorite holiday!! Nothing bad ever seemed to happen at Christmas which always made it feel magical to me. Even as an adult the feeling still remains. It isn't about the gifts, giving or receiving, it's about the people you care about. I know how corny this sounds and if those of you reading this are gagging I am sorry... It's true though.

I am thankful for my family and very grateful that we are all so close. I am thankful for my friends, especially those that have stuck by me through the hardest times in my life (i.e. Jenny Tanner, I love you girly!!) I am thankful for everything my dad taught me before he passed;
1. Be an honest person, if you don't have your word you don't have anything
2. Work hard, it's the only way to get what you want
3. Treat others with kindness and respect, if you can help someone in a time of need then do it.
4. Above all value family and friends, show them how much they mean to you. Life is short and they are the ones that make interesting :)


I miss him, especially during the holidays but I am thankful to have had him as my father and I am very thankful to have my mother... He would be proud of us and truth be told I still feel him with me. I still hear his laugh and I still can feel his reassuring hand on my back when things get hard. I am thankful for everything I have been given and everything that is to come. I am thankful for all of you. Merry Christmas. I hope it is filled with family, friends, joy and laughter as well as a little but of magic.

Fatshion, come on ladies, you know what this is

This one is for my big girls... I have been "Plus Size" for about as long as I can remember, although I look back at photos of myself in high school and wonder why I thought I was big then, yes I had a little extra meat on my bones but back then I was a comfortable size 14/16. Average... now... well... lets just say that is no longer the case. The funny thing is that I am more confident now then I was much smaller. I think maybe that comes with age or maybe that comes with the fact that I decided that no matter my size I was going to do my best to look good! It also helps that retailers have figured out that us Curvy girls want the same things that the skinny girls want. WE want to look hot, fashion forward, put together and did I mention HOT!!?

It wasn't until I was 19 that I started embracing my curves and after that not until I was 21 or so before I felt confident. I still have my moments of insecurity as everyone does but I have learned to dress and accept what I am working with now. Do I want to change things? YES! Am I going to punish myself for being a curvy girl by dressing to hide myself? NO!!! I know so many women who won't purchase new things until they have made it to their goal weight or size. All that does is makes you feel like there is something wrong with you now. Be confident and secure in where you are. There are ways to look amazing at any size and with websites like eloquii.com and madisonplus.com. Two of my absolute favorite sites. Retailers are realizing that the average size woman in this country is a size 14+ and are now designing for a fuller figure!!! The days of the moo moos and over sized boxy clothing are GONE!! Bring on the FATSHION. Although.... I could use a bigger bank account as well. :)

Holiday Cheer

Happy Holidays!!! I know it has been a long time since I have written but there is something about a blog that seems so self important.I end up starting a post and then question whether or not my life is interesting enough for people to want to read about it. At the end of the day I guess it doesn't matter, so I will give a quick recap of the last 6 months.

I had the opportunity to go on an AMAZING trip to Europe with my family (minus my brother, he had to work :( WE missed you terribly Andy Panda!!) It was very surreal to be in standing in places like the Sistine Chapel and the Colosseum, places I have only ever seen in History books. We only had two weeks in Europe and covered a lot of ground. The first week was spent on a cruise which started in Civitavecchia (the main port for Rome) and from there we went to Messina(Sicily), Athens, Kusadasi (Turkey), Crete and then back to Civitavecchia. We spent two days in Rome seeing everything there was to see. One day to take in all of the sights and another to tour the Vatican. I took in so much information on the tours that it would take many post to share it all, at the end of the day Rome is beautiful and I would love to go back. From there we flew to London where we spent all of 16 hours. We walked around a bit and saw Big Ben, Westminster Abby and the Buckingham Palace. We also ventured to Harrods and did a little window shopping. That same afternoon we went to the train station and took the Chunnel to Paris, for those of you that arent familar with what the Chunnel is it is basically a high speed train that travels underwater for about 20 mins of the trip between the United Kingdom and France.

We arrived in Paris in the early evening and had an amazing dinner just about a block from our hotel, which was about a block from the Champs-Elysees and what I like to call the Round-about of death. Paris is GORGEOUS!! I could have spent two weeks just exploring the city, unfortunately we had about 36 hours... We walked to the Eifeel Tower and watched the light show which was awesome, stood outside of Notre Dame, drove by the Paris Opera House and took a tour of the city. I want to go back so badly. Also, just for the record, I did not come across one rude French person, they were all very nice. :) As much as I loved the trip it was nice to come home and get back into a routine.

Not much has changed on the home front. I have moved to a different part of town and lucked out with getting a great pair of roommates as well. Work is still going well and I am enjoying my job while hoping that I can transition into something with a little more responsibility. Life is good and the holidays are here which I love but they still do hold a little bit of sadness. I wish Dad was here but when I think about him I remember him with a smile instead of my heart hurting. In his honor I will be doing my Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve as per our tradition. I will not however be dressing up as Santa or one of his elves as my father did from time to time. :) Everything seems better this time of year, happier, magical. Good things on the horizon. Very, very good things.

25.... HOLY S%&$ I'm 25

I am 25 years old today (holy S&%&, I am 25!!) Why is 25 my scary age? Maybe because I haven’t accomplished what I wanted to. Now as I sit here thinking about it 25 is going to be a great year. SO here is a list of 5 things that I have learned in my 25 years;

1. Things you did as a small child will come back to haunt you. Like the fact that you ate sand or bugs etc, etc. People will bring it up more and more as you get older. It’s okay though because it is funny.

2. The things that seemed like the end of the world at 12 aren’t really that bad.

3. The good news is you WILL grow out of that awkward stage; the bad news is you may just grow into a new one.

4. You have to stop comparing yourself to others, it is depressing and pointless. It is only beneficial when you take what you see from those that you envy and put it into practice. If you aren’t going to put your big girl/big boy pants and do something to change your situation then you will stay in the same rut forever. (this is one I struggle with from time to time

5. Accept who you are. Accept your body. Don’t punish yourself for your flaws. We can all change our weight, clothing, appearance etc. etc. but there is nothing better then seeing someone who is truly confident in the person that they are inside and out. (Another one I struggle with)
In the next year I will work to attain the goals that I have set for myself while working on the acceptance or the woman I am becoming. I am going to make mistakes, do stupid things and get a little lost along the way. I look forward to being 25…. Its only good things from here.

Ranting but not Dancing

In news heard around the world on Sunday evening Osama Bin Laden is dead….. (Cue patriotic music and flags waving)Great, grand, we get it. I am not saying that I am not a patriotic person and I am not saying that I am not happy that the terrorist is dead but at the same time it seems wrong to celebrate the death of someone else. Glad he is no longer going to create a problem, yes, but I won’t dance in the streets. I am proud of our soldiers and will always support them even if I don’t support the cause.

I am tired of all the posts on Facebook about Bin Laden and I am equally as tired of all the digs at Obama. No the President was not the one who took Bin Laden out but he is still “The Commander and Chief”. You don’t have to like his politics or support his opinions but he is the President, he was elected into this office by the citizens of the United States of America and like it or not he has a little more time left in his term and to be quite honest I will be the one voting for him when he runs for a second term. I respect that people are entitled to their opinion but I don’t respect ignorance. Some of the recent comments in having to do with questions of Obama’s birth certificate and jokes about he and Bin Laden being related in some way are JUST IGNORANT!!!! Get over it, move on. GROW UP. That’s my rant for the day. Thanks for reading.

Cleaning and the Dangers it brings

After 3 weeks of being all alone in the house my mom and Mike being gone they are finally coming home. YAYAYAY! Not only am I excited but I am pretty sure the small monster dog (also known as Brooklyn) will be thrilled to have them back as well. Mike and Brooklyn are pretty good buddies and I think she has missed him dearly. No one can quite throw her toys like he can.  As with any return of the Madre and her bf I am running around like a crazy person trying to clean things and get them back up to par. After vacuuming the house and cleaning counter tops etc I decided that I would start my spring cleaning as well.


Ahh spring cleaning, it is always so much fun. Every year around this time I feel the need to do a deep clean on my vehicle, room etc. SO last night I decided to tackle the car, vacuum out all the gravel and other little cling on pieces from over the winter. I was feeling pretty proud of myself using the Shop Vac until all of a sudden there was no longer any suction. I turned the shop vac off and rattled the tub only to hear what sounded like a pill bottle. I SUCKED UP A DAMN BOTTLE OF EXCEDRIN! Now it is stuck half way down the tube and I can’t get it out, I spent the better part of 15 mins trying to shake it out, smacking the tube on the driveway trying to get it loose but to no avail. I will be stopping by Sears today to buy another shop vac tube (thank goodness they are only 20 bucks). I am pretty sure I provided some entertainment for the neighborhood though. Maybe because at one point of my shaking and smacking the tube on the ground I got a little to into it and hit myself in the head with the tube. I am pretty sure one of my neighbors almost peed his pants as he walked his dog by my house because he was laughing so hard. Yep, I am cool like that. ;) Cleaning can be a dangerous job!

Beads and blogs

Bead, beads, beads, bracelets, beads!! I am obsessed!! I have had the crafting bug lately! Most recently I learned how to make these beautiful wrap bracelets. They are incredibly time consuming, each one taking anywhere from 3-6 hours depending on the size of the beads that you are using but the end result is beautiful. I guess 3-6 hours in the grand scheme of things isn’t that time consuming. But when you are just sitting there sewing beads in between two pieces of leather it can seem like a long time. I have made 4 of these already with another 2 to go. I will do more then just that since they are such great gifts but I think for my sanity I need to take a break.


Not too much else going on just work as per usual but I did find out this morning that my very best friend in the whole wide world is coming for a visit! Yay, Jenny will be here! You know this is the strange thing about a blog, it is cathartic in a way. I know a very small group of people read this but in some way I feel like writing it means something. My life isn’t exciting, not anymore so then anyone elses. I started this blog to help keep me accountable on my journey to lose weight but somewhere along the way it turned into something else. I think in this day and age it is a good way to keep up with people. I know that I get more information about my friend and family through Facebook than anywhere else. Is that healthy? Are blogs weird? Any thoughts?

Bluebirds and blue skys

FRIDAY, FRIDAY, FRIDAY!!! Did I mention that I was happy it was Friday? This week felt like a long one for some reason. Maybe because Spring has finally come to Alaska. All week is has been beautiful, sunny and trying to get warmer and the last place I wanted to be was cooped up in an office building. In about a month the trees will be green and it will begin to look like summer. I CANT WAIT!! I woke up this morning feeling wonderful, the sun was just starting to come over the mountains, I had my snuggly Shih Tzu snoring away next to me and I was warm and cozy in bed. There are days when I feel down and then there are days like today that make up for them. I realize in these moments that I am lucky, so very lucky. I have my health, the love of my family and amazing friends (cue small animated bluebirds singing in the background). I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, a place that people dream about coming to. Life is good. What brings on this attitude you ask? Lots of things!


Number 1: Last night I was able to spend some time with my brother which was great! Andy has become such a great guy. He is caring, funny and genuine. I love the fact that I have a brother that I can say “I love you” to him in front of his friends and he will say it right back. Andy you are amazing and remind me so much of Dad in the way you treat people. I am so proud to call you my brother!! The rest of my family is just as amazing, my sister is fabulous with her quick wit and caring demeanor, my mom is so supportive of all of us and what our dreams/desires are. I have the best family!!

Number 2: I have my health and I am young enough to make the changes I need to make without any long term side effects. That’s a big one. I woke up this morning with hope. I can lose weight! I am perfectly capable of it and I am starting to gather a team around me to help me achieve this goal.

Life is good! I am blessed. I just have to remind myself of that from time to time.

Changes

Change…. Sometimes we embrace it sometimes we run from it. I am normally someone who is a little afraid of change, afraid of big changes anyways. I feel as though one is needed and it needs to happen sometime soon. I am at that point in my life. I will be 25 in June (the age I always thought I would be a grown up by) and I feel like now I really need to spread my wings. Maybe a change of scenery is just what the doctor ordered.

Anchorage is a comfortable place, a big city by Alaskan standards but not huge. I think we are just shy of 300,000 people here. I want something bigger, more urban… I was originally thinking Seattle or Portland but the more I think about it the more I am tempted to head further south on the West Coast. Before I lived in Anchorage my family and I were living in Huntington Beach, California. My mom and her boyfriend were actually just down there visiting our old neighbors. This got me thinking; why not go back to old stomping grounds? The weather there is beautiful, sunny and in the 70s most day with a wonderful breeze coming off the ocean. I miss the beach, the outdoor markets, and the sunshine. Granted I feel as though at my current weight I don’t feel like I belong with the beautiful people living in the OC but I could get there, maybe it would be good incentive. Could I do it? Could I really pack up and move to California? Why not? There isn’t anything here to stop me. Hmmmmmm I see big moves on the horizon. California here I come? You might see me and my trusty Shih Tzu side kick headed for sun and sand sooner then you think.

Evil Photos

A little down time today so I thought I would write, I haven’t in a very, very long time. Nothing earth shattering to report just life as usual, still fighting the battle of the bulge, not seeming to make much progress. I guess the biggest news is that my family and I will be taking a trip to Europe this summer for a cruise, but first we will spend a week in Wisconsin for my Cousin Jake’s wedding. Both are big events, both will require pictures to be taken. I don’t want to be the blimp in the background anymore.

I was recently looking through pictures taken at previous family reunions with the L’Heureux and Gunkel clan and I noticed a similarity in every group photo taken. The similarity is that I always hide behind someone so that it is just my face that is showing. The beauty of having a very large family (my mom is 1 of 8 siblings and my dad was 1 of 5) is that there are always plenty of relatives to use as camaflogue in pictures. I have found that cousins work best. Not the really little ones though, they don’t cover enough surface area but the ones that are pre teens or a little older are just tall enough that I can see over them and if I can have two stand in front of me they cover my body perfectly in photos. I have this down to a science. Sad isn’t it? Also never face the camera head on, always turn to the side, it is a much better angle. Interesting what you think of as a fat girl isn’t it? I hate pictures of myself. I avoid them if I can, but it’s sad. I want to be in those pictures and to look back at them and be proud of how I look. Right now that isn’t the case.

Every post I have put on this blog has pretty much been about the struggles with my weight. The thing is that losing weight is a pretty simple science, calories in vs. calories out. Shouldn’t be that hard right? So WHY does it seem impossible? I guess impossible may be the wrong word, hard may be more the word I am looking for. It is hard. Hard to stay motivated hard not to cheat when there is no one watching you. Eating crappy food is so much easier, a frozen pizza, fast food, the quick premade stuff at the grocery store. It is convenient but in no way, shape or form good for you. I did the South Beach Diet for awhile and that worked well for me but at some point I gave up, made excuses and fell off the wagon. Why is it so hard for me to do this? I hate the way my body looks, in clothes and even more out of clothes. This should be enough for me to be motivated shouldn’t it? Or the fact that while I may be healthy now 20-40 years I could start to have serious health related issues because of my weight, shouldn’t that be enough? WHY ISNT IT?? What is stopping me? I don’t have an answer. Maybe I am just lazy, maybe I am scared of what losing weight would mean. I need to look deeper. I hope I find an answer. The goal for Europe/Wedding in WI is to be down 50 pounds. Day 1 today, starting anew. Wish me luck.