Hear no evil

This post is inspired by a tattoo my cousin recently got to represent "Hear no evil"( I love you Sammie. :) You are such a BEAUTIFUL and STRONG woman) Sammie has a point. We should love ourselves despite what people might say. Every woman has some sort of body conscious issues. Most woman who are overweight have many body issues, I say most because there are some women out there that love the fact that they are full figured, more power to them but I am not one of them. In high school people can be cruel, kids say mean things because it makes them feel better but these are the same things that can scar people. I have been scarred. I know this and it makes me nervous when I see those people that I went to high school with, I revert back to the chubby girl who was tormented by the mean "cool" guys. Really what they are are douche bags who where so insecure about themselves and their social status that it made them feel better to harass me, call me fat, ugly, blah blah blah. I am now almost 24 and a strong woman but I will also admit that I am addicted to food and use it as a coping mechanism. My goal is to not to hear the evil anymore.

I have to remind myself that a lot of those guys I was hurt by are ones I wouldn't want to have ANYTHING to do with now. What does it matter what people say about you? It should only matter how you feel but if you don't feel good about yourself those comments that people make are going to hurt more. How do you steal yourself against that? I have never figured out how. People ask me why I dont go out to the bars and go dancing and what not. It is because I never ever feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel like an elephant in a room with slender swans. It makes me feel like SHIT!!! SO I avoid it. Only a few friends have seen me out and about and when I do I am the one who is the friend with the girl that gets hit on in the bar. I am the friend that they tolerate so they can mac on the hotter girl. If you have ever heard of the comedian Stephen Lynch and have heard hos song "Big Fat Friend" That girl is me!!! I am or maybe just feel like the big fat friend. Someone to be pitied and not cherished. How do I stop it? I feel like the only way to do that is to lose the weight but from all of my years of therapy I know that that doesn't solve the problem. I have to look more inward and get into the habit of loving myself for who I am. But who am I? How do I love myself? How do I feel comfortable? I need to look into that.

I'm back and making my way slowly

It has been a very long time since my last post, over a month ago in fact. I am not really sure why it has taken me so long to write. Life has been busy but not that busy. Last time I wrote I had a well laid plan to go back onto phase 1 of SB. That, for whatever reason, didn’t happen. I don’t really have any excuses (I am tired of making them) I just couldn’t get myself to do it. So here we go again, another attempt, this time for real. I think what needs to happen is that I need to get excited about doing it all over again. I have continued to lose weight, not much but it is still losing. I think part of the problem is the fact that food is such a social thing, a good excuse to catch up with people. I need to figure out a different social avenue and then maybe I can eliminate the social aspect of food. I am not delusional enough to think that I could do that completely but partially would be fine by me (my wallet would like it as well). I think overspending and overeating go hand in hand.

If you are overweight I think the tendency to over spend comes naturally. I am not saying that this is true of everyone but I am sure it is more true than not. This brings me to my next confession/realization, I, Sarah Lynn Gunkel, am TERRIBLE with money.I love to shop and sometimes instead of eating I indulge on retail therapy. I love shoes (but of course not the cheap ones) and I can easy spend 100 bucks without blinking an eye. Too bad those pesky bills get in the way, things I actually have to pay. I think that once I can get eating under control that managing my money with be the next thing I will learn to do. I am trying now and doing fairly well. I haven't bought any clothes or shoes in some time. I am taking baby steps. I am going to make it into a game and once I have hit the goals I am wanting to hit I will give myself a small reward. It is all about the baby steps.