I would first like to apologize to anyone who comes in contact with me in the next five days. I am starting the South Beach Diet tomorrow and for the next 5 days or so I will be crazy. Think PMS times 10 crazy. The last time I did this my family was gone and I was left alone with the dogs, it was probably better that way.
I am actually excited to get this started again. I want to feel better, I want to be happy with myself. I am going to get to my goal weight. I just have to know that it is going to take awhile. I guess I will be ok with that. I am excited to start going to the gym and knowing that the more I go the better I will feel about myself. My goal is to make and entry for the next 14 days. I will try to be honest with how I am feeling. I am ready for this. :) Here we go.... wish me luck.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Fears, oh so many fears.
Failure is not an option, that’s what I keep telling myself. I have to lose the weight, if I don’t I am taking time away from myself and my family. Why isn’t that enough to get me back on track? I have been struggling with getting back to the South Beach Diet for months now, I keep saying I am going to do it and then I set a date to start. That date arrives and flies by without me starting back on the SB diet and ends with me eating a cookie or candy or something crappy and fattening.
There are fears that are associated with losing the weight. I have been heavy for so long that I have no idea what it would feel like to be thin… What will I look like? Will I be more attractive or less? Will my skin be loose or will it snap back? Will I look like one giant stretch mark or will I have a body I will be proud of? Will losing the weight make me happy? Will it make me motivated or confident? Will I love myself more? WILL IT ALL COME BACK???? That’s the biggest one, the last one, what happens if I do all this work and the weight comes back? Will that send me over the edge? So many fears that other people don’t understand. They look at me like it is a given that losing the weight will solve all of my problems but maybe it wont, maybe it will just create new ones. See here is the ironic thing; I am a stress induced overeater so if I am nervous about what losing the weight will do to me I stress and then I eat. It isn’t like I crave a carrot when I am stressed; I want something sweet or starchy, something bad for me. My body craves what it knows is bad for it. The sad part is that I give in… it seems like such a long road and one that I am not patient to travel. I want it gone, right now!! Not in a year, not in two, RIGHT NOW! But then the fears come back.
It is a strange and emotionally draining cycle. I feel bad about myself, I feel like I am letting my family down. People were so proud of me when I started this, this was the time I was finally going to do it and really the only reason I haven’t finished what I have started is because I am lazy, when it gets hard I give up. I make lots of excuses as to why I can’t or haven’t done it, the thought of actually failing because of no other reason than me being lazy or that I am scared is terrifying. It must be for some other reason right? It couldn’t be all my fault. Yeah, right. It is MY fault and MINE alone. No one put a gun to my head and told me to eat until I was well over 200 lbs. I did that. No one said if I didn’t finish all the food in front of me I was going to make something horrible happen, I made these decisions. I fed myself, bought the crap food, and ate it when no one was around so I wouldn’t feel like I was being judged. I DID THIS! No one else. No one else is going to lose the weight for me either. I have to. No more excuses. That’s it I am done with them. I hate living in this body, dressing this body. I want to feel good and have energy and be the vibrant person people believe me to be rather than put on a show and feel like crap inside. I want to live a long life and get married, have kids, watch them grow up. I want to be happy. That’s it, just happy. NO MORE EXCUSES SARAH LYNN GUNKEL!! DO IT.
It is time to start living; the work will be worth it. I am setting the date of June 1st to start back on SB. The beginning of a new month, a new beginning for me, and the sacrifices I have to make will be worth it. It is in print now. That means you all can see it, accountability helps. J
There are fears that are associated with losing the weight. I have been heavy for so long that I have no idea what it would feel like to be thin… What will I look like? Will I be more attractive or less? Will my skin be loose or will it snap back? Will I look like one giant stretch mark or will I have a body I will be proud of? Will losing the weight make me happy? Will it make me motivated or confident? Will I love myself more? WILL IT ALL COME BACK???? That’s the biggest one, the last one, what happens if I do all this work and the weight comes back? Will that send me over the edge? So many fears that other people don’t understand. They look at me like it is a given that losing the weight will solve all of my problems but maybe it wont, maybe it will just create new ones. See here is the ironic thing; I am a stress induced overeater so if I am nervous about what losing the weight will do to me I stress and then I eat. It isn’t like I crave a carrot when I am stressed; I want something sweet or starchy, something bad for me. My body craves what it knows is bad for it. The sad part is that I give in… it seems like such a long road and one that I am not patient to travel. I want it gone, right now!! Not in a year, not in two, RIGHT NOW! But then the fears come back.
It is a strange and emotionally draining cycle. I feel bad about myself, I feel like I am letting my family down. People were so proud of me when I started this, this was the time I was finally going to do it and really the only reason I haven’t finished what I have started is because I am lazy, when it gets hard I give up. I make lots of excuses as to why I can’t or haven’t done it, the thought of actually failing because of no other reason than me being lazy or that I am scared is terrifying. It must be for some other reason right? It couldn’t be all my fault. Yeah, right. It is MY fault and MINE alone. No one put a gun to my head and told me to eat until I was well over 200 lbs. I did that. No one said if I didn’t finish all the food in front of me I was going to make something horrible happen, I made these decisions. I fed myself, bought the crap food, and ate it when no one was around so I wouldn’t feel like I was being judged. I DID THIS! No one else. No one else is going to lose the weight for me either. I have to. No more excuses. That’s it I am done with them. I hate living in this body, dressing this body. I want to feel good and have energy and be the vibrant person people believe me to be rather than put on a show and feel like crap inside. I want to live a long life and get married, have kids, watch them grow up. I want to be happy. That’s it, just happy. NO MORE EXCUSES SARAH LYNN GUNKEL!! DO IT.
It is time to start living; the work will be worth it. I am setting the date of June 1st to start back on SB. The beginning of a new month, a new beginning for me, and the sacrifices I have to make will be worth it. It is in print now. That means you all can see it, accountability helps. J
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